Who rides you – Destiny or Will Power?

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

These powerful lines by the great poet William Ernest Henley always motivate me to steer through the battlefield of life. The ups and downs, come whatever may be, the undying spirit of my soul always helps me in tiding over the waves of difficulty leading to a new transformation. Life is more like a crossword puzzle where you activate the grey cells of your mind, to fit in the best alternative to complete it. Your life is a testimony to so many life changing events that you hardly recognize how many of it were initiated by you and how many of them just occurred to you. Things change sometimes without you having any inkling of it, going through a lot of mess, leaving you numbed, dumbed & stumped. There are certain things in life over which we have no control, they just happen and this is where I feel what really rides us – destiny or will power?

A fair & common example is love, isn’t it? You fall in for someone, who is just another person you know on this earth or a stranger may be, but eventually becomes an important part of your life (barring few exceptions). You don’t realize when and why you start developing feelings for a person. With time things change and you miss the person in your life (happy realization!) eventually falling in love. Don’t you think it’s destiny? Isn’t it destined for two hearts to meet, a divine grace? You can control your mind for will power but heart I’ve always felt, you don’t have much control over. I mean c’mon you just can’t tell your heart to stop beating for someone. Anyway before I digress from the topic (spare me that love snooze) we were talking about destiny & will power. Life is actually a beautiful play between destiny and will power and this connection is divine!

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love stated in her book that “Destiny is a relationship - a play between divine grace & willful self-effort”. I agree to it. Life is a strange game, half of it you have no control over, half of it is absolutely in your hands, & your actions will show measurable consequence. How many times we keep cribbing on something that didn’t work out? And then we come up with our own excuses like “I think it’s not in my destiny…sigh...!”. “I know it’s not gonna work out, why should I waste my time?” Ain’t we familiar with these sentences? We love blame game (passing the buck!). Destiny no doubt can bring you close to your goal, but it’s always will power that helps you to accomplish things in life.

We are neither entirely a puppet in the hands of the god, nor do we entirely own our destiny, we are a little of both. We run through the madness of life where things keep on changing every minute, all we need to do is keep weighing and balancing the act like performers because life is a play. We can’t worry all the time about things we don’t have control over but we can drive our steely will power to steer through the difficulties. There is so much about our fate that we cannot control, but other things do fall under our jurisdiction. Like we can decide on, how to spend our time, who can we talk & share our thoughts with, who we can share our life with (destiny can only make you meet & fall in love with someone, will power helps in keeping him/her despite difficulties), how to regard unfortunate situations in life (how do you view it - either get through or keep sulking). We can choose our words to speak, our emotions to vent, our thoughts to express, isn’t it?  Ain’t all these things very much in our control?

Yes it is, and it’s great, you do own your life to an extent. What you can’t control just leave it to the “Destiny”. I believe there’s always a reason behind things you experience, you either start trusting someone or something (if it’s a good one) or you get mad at someone or something (if it’s a bad one), but either way you learn and it kinda shakes you, tears you apart, shows you your obstacles and makes you so desperate that you transform your life revealing another layer of yourself to you (self discovery). To sum it up all – Have a determined life with the ever changing destiny!

RIP ! Humanity…!

While we all have ushered in the New Year with new hopes, aspirations and promises, I still can’t stop thinking about the rape victim who died 3 days back. My heart nearly sinks to even imagine the forty minutes of horror and 13 days of desperate battle for life thereafter, that ended in the early hours of Saturday when the woman breathed her last in the Singapore hospital. I just shudder to think of what atrocities the woman must have gone through in the ghastly incident that eventually ended her life. She fought courageously in fighting for her life, for so long against the odds, but the trauma to her body was too severe to keep her alive. She succumbed to serious injuries to her body & brain leading to multi-organ failure. Her death has awakened entire nation on the increasing number of crimes against women’s and their safety. Ever since protests are held in every state to show solidarity to this movement, demanding justice. Even NRI’s abroad are protesting, showing concern & solidarity with this ongoing movement.

This ghastly incident has made us find our voice and we won’t clam up! Damini is dead! Long live she! Like any other girl, she too had so many dreams twinkling in her eyes. She wanted to live her dreams and aspirations. She didn't want to be a martyr, but she lost the battle! Yet in her fight for life, and in her surrender to death, she has become the voice of the multitude. The incident has awakened and called upon the collective conscience of people who have made a faithful engagement with a cause: making India safe for womens. We can’t allow her death to go in vain. After years of being treated like a herd, we have finally found our voice. Those in power are bound to listen, and listen they should! This is the power of democracy. What we are experiencing now is no less than a revolution. People on the street irrespective of their age have become part of a larger cause. The nationwide outpourings of grief and anger are not merely bubbles of discontent that can be picked; it proves the ground reality that is bleak and scary. If women continue to be stalked, groped and raped, we have no right to call ourselves human beings. We have lost humanity and have turned beasts, but again to call rapists and molesters beasts, we should refrain a little, ‘coz that would denigrate animals, who too follow some code of ethics.

The government is scared of the rage on the streets. It’s time for it to act, and act it will, we will ensure that. Without resorting to violence and without spilling blood on the streets, we will have to stand guard to this cause and movement. However deep down in my heart I feel, only exercising stringent measures, and increasing the number of policemen will not help in curtailing the crime against women’s, the issue is much deeper than that. However much we say we are a society of equals, it is a farce. As a culture, Indian women are viewed as inferior. Things have to change at the basic level, which involves education and gender sensitization. Mentality needs to be changed, in order to bring in equality in the real sense. Merely blaming a woman for wearing provocative clothes or blaming her to be out on the street at the wrong time will not serve the purpose. Every person has the right to live and breathe, and we as humans should not infringe on this basic right of anyone, be it men or women.

This incident has angered, appalled and ashamed me and at the same time has made me conscious of where are we heading? Do we really behave as humans? And if so why have we turned demons for our own friends, siblings and relations? What values did our parents instill in us and what are we doing with it? So many questions and the answer lie all within us. Let us hope and pray such things never ever happen and our humanity never ever be questioned again, ‘coz death of humanity is death of our conscience! Live and Let Live!

The Last Meeting…..!

Amidst all the chaos & laughter, people were enjoying the occasion of my birthday and yet there was someone who seemed aloof from all this and it was no one else but me. I was happy! Happy, but not ecstatic. I was missing the presence of someone. Someone far away yet close to my heart, perhaps whose absence was tearing me apart. Flood of memories crept in like a longing which I’d been denying myself to feel. The feeling of pain I was going through was unbearable. It felt like somebody inside my heart was trying to sever it into pieces, quickly filling it with a sense of emptiness, an aching.  Before my emotions could take an inevitable detour, keeping a smile on my face, I sneaked back to my room. I realized I wanted some solitude away from the pandemonium.

The silence of my bedroom soothed my heart. I switched off the lights and lay down on the bed, closing my eyes. My eyelashes touched each other with such an ease as if they were waiting eagerly to take me back to the trance, the flashback where I met him last…..

Jostled by the crowd at the peak time in the evening, in a Churchgate bound train; I alighted at Bandra station with a sigh of relief! Yet with an excited feeling of seeing him after a long time. Trotting ahead & rushing through the station, I finally reached the spot where we always used to meet near the Axis Bank ATM, with my eyes continuously searching for him in the darkness of the winter evening. My heart was throbbing at triple its normal pace. The moment ‘Vipul’ came, my eyes were delighted to see him and I just couldn’t stop myself from asking him the same cliché question "Ain’t you getting enough food, why have you become so thin?” To which his reply was as usual “I’m still the same, feeling heavy, need to shed some extra kilos, momma.” We both started laughing at our cliché statements, followed with my advice, “don’t you dare lose weight, you look good like this!” We decided to go to bandstand as we both loved that place, especially the evening serenity near the sea with breeze adding to the calm ambience. We sat on one of the rocks in between the sea. And then we picked up from where we left things close to a year back.

Vipul started off with a slow voice, as if I was meeting a dejected soul than an effervescent man I knew before. He had a lot of problems because things were not really working well for him. He was waiting for results that would change his fortune after putting in a lot of hard work, he was indeed a fighter! The struggle had probably taken a toll on him shaking his confidence a bit. But I always knew he was capable of reaching the stars one day. Planting a peck on his cheek, I tenderly stroked his hair and instantly joked about his strands of grey hair to cheer him up! That was always one of my verbal weapons I used against him to annoy him & make him remember he’s turning old day by day. Talking to him I realized he had moved on in his life, prioritizing things, whereas I was still somewhere engrossed in the past. He was confident about his future, his life, about things he wanted, his ambitions, there was only one thing that was not included & it was me. I realized things have changed over a period of time; however I felt something shake loose inside, like the first pebbles skittering downhill before an avalanche.

The steady movement of the waves stretching out before me to the horizon seemed to cease for a moment. I looked at the sky even when there was nothing visible in the dark hiding my emotions and wondering where my thoughts actually lay. Vipul tugged gently on my arm and I came back to reality. We discussed things we left a year back. Somehow things had changed and reality had sucked the life force out of me, tossing me away as an empty shell, staring me in my eyes. I was a vortex of emotions that very moment. It took me a little time to regain normalcy. We ordered cappuccino for ourselves in the nearby CCD. And I poured some extra sugar in Vipul’s coffee to annoy him again. He glared at me & I immediately replaced his coffee with mine and he instantly smiled with a frown. After we were done, we decided to have a stroll down the seaside. The breeze was blowing with a mesmerizing touch. Talking about our earlier days, we had a hearty laugh & mischievous streak in our eyes. I embraced him, holding him tight as if, I never wanted him to depart. But I knew that moment of bliss would last only for few seconds and I will never see him again. We left the place in sometime. I pulled his cheeks, kissing them and strictly warned him not to lose weight.

We reached station. Incidentally our respective trains were about to come at adjacent platforms, although in opposite directions. We still kept on talking & smiling, my train was about to come, when Vipul finally hugged me again. His train too had almost arrived. He took my hand in his hand and my hand slipped. I realized it & kept my hand on his for a second without looking at him and immediately rushed for the train. That day I didn’t turn back to see him leave, because I knew this time it was forever. I had told him probably I’ll never see him again and I didn’t want to comfort my mind with any hope of things changing, though my heart wished, it was all a lie. But dreams seldom turn into reality. I wanted to cry my heart out & shed all my despair in the darkness of the night but I just couldn't bring myself to feel anything. For that moment I had turned stoic, completely numb to everything around……!

Somebody knocked the door and I was back from the trance. I didn’t answer & the person left, thinking I was asleep. But I was wide awake. The light of the table lamp made my silhouette in the background which looked lifeless and nondescript. I looked at his photo I had in my mobile phone and smiled cherishing the beautiful moments of annoying & loving him in our last meeting….!

The Romantic Clouds...!!!

Sitting by the sea side on the rocks and looking at the sun laying off, leaving the sky with a refulgent smile, I was totally lost in the serenity of the evening. I always find it very divine and soothing mixed with the feeling that the glory of the sunset reaches my soul with serenity of the sea healing it more. My idle mind was totally engaged in the beautiful nature. While I was enjoying myself, two eyes were affixed on me. Sitting very next to me, Vipul finally broke his silence and asked me “What is it that captivates you more than me?” And while I could sense a bit of irritation in his tone, I couldn't stop laughing at his stupid statement. Somehow I controlled myself making sure not to add to his rage. He was looking at the other side, obviously being annoyed with me. I moved close to him near his ears and gusted air from my mouth at maximum possible speed, to make him look at me. It made his ear drums numb for a minute and he looked at me knitting his eyebrows furiously. I took his hand in my hand and for a minute stared him straight into his eyes. Before we both could understand anything, the clouds started roaring giving a clear indication, it was about to rain. Within a fraction of second, we felt the droplets of rain water all over us. Each drop of rain was representing the joy in my heart adding life to the surroundings and to my feelings.

The aroma of the surroundings seduced my heart, especially the quixotic breeze that carried the aroma of stone & water mixed together adding colour to my emotions. Besides all these things, it was Vipul’s eyes that were drawing me towards him & I was totally immersed in his eyes. Quickly he broke my concentration and again started complaining stating the obvious ‘Where are you lost again?’ Tightening the grip of my hands on his, all I said was “Nothing captivates me more than your eyes. Your existence adds colour to my emotions, beauty to my soul, meaning to my life and my heart beats only for you.” And while I still couldn't keep my gaze off him, his lips showed an upward curve expressing his pleasure, to put that shy smile on his face, the perfect smile. He embraced me and I found solace in his arms, as if my arms were longing to wrap themselves around him.

Everything around turned out to be beautiful and the sudden advent of clouds added vibrant colours to our feelings and emotions. Gusty winds down the sea side and the special aroma of the mud & rain water mixed together gave my heart a pleasure divine and Vipul’s presence only added meaning to it, completing the picture. The ambiance was mesmerizing.

After a while we decided to leave the place and started walking towards our destination. While walking back, I thanked the clouds and also kept wondering how they knew exactly, what I wanted at that moment. Nevertheless I came to the conclusion that the clouds too were in a romantic mood. They wanted me to express my affection towards my beloved, so they added to the romance by pouring their heart out in the form of rain, leaving us mesmerized.

Crumble those inner barriers…!!!

Sometimes it happens that you pretend to be someone you are not. You try to wrap your wounds with layers of fake mirth when you are literally dying inside. You try to put that perfect smile on your face when you fall apart inside. You embrace the silence of your hollowness with a painful smile. Result a facade being created and you die ten times more to live up to that facade. The point is why can’t we just be ourselves, why can’t be express ourselves the way we want, why can’t we just vent out our emotions when we feel it’s just right? Why do we leave pieces of our heart here and there and then don’t have almost enough to stay alive? Ain't we humans? Why can’t we be glad to be human and have the guts to say that yes ‘we are human and frail and being chosen as one by god has made a huge difference to our soul?’ We make our soul suffer greatly, when we force it to live superficially. The soul loves everything beautiful and deep. Soul is the essence of life, life without it would be meaningless. Facade is like pieces of broken mirror, no matter how many times you try to put it up, it will pierce you with an excruciating pain.

I read somewhere that ‘God’ made this world in six days, but what exactly is the world? World is what you and I see, feel and believe. Whenever someone dies, a part of this universe dies too. Everything the person felt, experienced and saw dies with him, like tears in rain. We are a part of this universe, each of us different and unique and so we ought to live it differently. We are the masters of our own destiny and soul. The locus of control should always be in our hands, only then we can create things the way we want.         

There are people who are proud of their emotional independence, although the truth is they are as fragile as any other human being and yet they never ask for help, they fake it up. They believe in the unwritten rule that says ‘the world is for the strong’ and ‘only the fittest survive’. If that were true, human beings would never have survived because, as species, we require care and protection for several years. Remember we never learned to walk alone, that one finger was always there to hold and walk, those hands were always there for support when we stumbled and fell down.

If feelings had wings, it could fly high in the sky, if emotions had words to express itself it would have spoken its heart out, then why do we humans choke ourselves to the extent that we become numb to pain, why do we fail to express, to cry, to vent out our emotions??? Respect being god's beautiful creation. Life is just once! Sometimes it is ok to let your tears be the voice of your pain, take it out, it won’t make you frail, and you’ll be at ease. Sometimes it is ok when your thoughts suddenly flow out of your heart, let it be, don’t stop, you never know you might discover something, you never knew. Life passes most of us by, while we are busy preparing grand plans for it. Don’t let others dictate things to you and don’t be afraid of this world, be who you are. Be happy, don’t put those boundaries around yourself and pretend to be someone you are not. It’s ok to laugh hard, cry aloud and be mawkish sometimes, don’t hold your emotions, to be seen as strong by the world. You are strong already, you need not prove it. So next time don’t fake it or hold back, crush those inner barriers, break free your heart & soul and be the real you!

How to stem the rage within?

A mother attempts to murder her daughter by strangulation because she disapproved of her paramour. A seven year old girl is beaten & branded with hot spoons, tortured by her stepmother for two months running, needing hospitalization. A battered baby lies in AIIMS Delhi, battling for life for more than two weeks, finally succumbing to her injuries. A ninth class student kills his class teacher because she admonished him for his studies in front of the class. Every day, you will find one such piece of news that renders you completely dazed. And these are only some of the incidents of manic rage and the resulting havoc wrought, that we battle with today.

It is an uneasy head that wears such a crown, the crown of boiling fury that allows aggression to translate to bodily harm and a breakdown of all moral barriers – socio-economic, cultural and most heart-wrenching-familial.

I wonder are we even humans? We are known as civilized people observing some norms to co-exist with our society members. Where has the feeling of brotherhood lost? I guess now it’s all limited to the textbooks of school days, we once learned about. Anger has blinded us to the level that killing someone brutally or battering someone just seems like another task, without making our heart wrench even once. Such malice, such anger spewing would annihilate this beautiful place one day where we all live, leaving the heartless monsters to rip off the peace. What have we as a society fallen to? Worse, this aggression, should we say bloodlust, has percolated all levels of society.

Domestic violence is another issue, highlighted by the media every now and then which has become sharp and threatening like never before. I recently read a report that how even children today (as young as three years) need anger management classes and are increasingly being referred to mental health experts to help them tide over their relentless aggression. The innocence of childhood is taken over by the ogre of anger.

What to attribute to this rise in levels of frustration, such that it boils over, why, really, this Kolaveri Di? There are so many possible reasons for the rising frustration and hence aggression, be it at the world stage where the discontented fiscal rumblings in the US and Europe keeps us on the hook, or our local woes like that of intangible monsters like rampant corruption and scams, or the precarious state of the current government, or more tangible civic issues like the dismal state of city roads or lack of basic amenities, to those in need, finding it difficult to make ends meet - where to stop?

But stop it must, this raging fury in our society, before its destruction reaches unimaginable proportions. What we need to introspect on, is how to contain it before it becomes unmanageable, before the social fabric is rent beyond repair, before the nonviolence our country’s founding fathers were so emphatic about, becomes an anachronism to be found only in history texts and nostalgia. Before we kneel down and give up to our cruelty, we need to make ourselves more humane. Because only we can do it!

A beautiful night....!!!

Gazing at the beautiful velvety blackness of the sky

 I see stars embellishing the night’s robe so bright

The stars glittering & giggling with all their might

Even the diamonds magnificent glitz may fade & shy

Adoring the beauty of the night & savouring its sight

I suddenly felt a strong void missing you so more

I wish you were here with moments of bliss galore

And I could hold on to the beautiful memories tonight

Suddenly I realized, I was dreaming & all lost

Because there was no trace of you around

I could feel you as my heart was beating for you

And then silence pervaded, leaving me with memories abound!

With moistness, my eyes shifted its gaze towards the sky

And I see a star that breaks free & shoots to I don’t know where

With devotion I earnestly pray to it – Oh little star!

Will you take my wish to him, who is so far

Please tell him that I’m

Just a little lonely here……